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Marriage Jokes and Tidbits

Posted by Rabbi Yosef Tropper
July 27th, 2009
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Yes I will put this up and am risking the feedback that I will get for it! (Collected from too many sources to recount.)

-A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine”.

-A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

-“I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance,
A hall filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said, one that would make me his wife”.

-Married for many years, Jack had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for a while, and so he eventually confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.

“Come on Liz, admit it”, he ranted, “you only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn’t you?”

“You really are silly, Jack,” retorted Liz loudly, “I couldn’t care less who left it to you”.

-“Dear, don’t expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant.”

-To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not tounderstand her at all.

-Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence… a life sentence.

-God told Adam about the greatness of the woman he was to present him with. “Wow”, said Adam, “she sounds like she will cost me an arm and a leg, what can I get for a rib…?”

-A big-game hunter went on a safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle and began the search. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it!”

-The child was a typical young boy, inquisitive, and bright. When he expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, his father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking that visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the groom and bride, the wedding ceremony, the dancing, etc.

“Now do you understand, son?” he asked. “Yes,” he said. “That was the day that mommy came to work for us!”

-A woman was telling her friend , “It was I who made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire”.

-At breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t even know what today is”. “Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to the office.

At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!”

-A woman was cleaning out her husband’s drawers when suddenly in the back she found a small carton containing 4 eggs and $3000.

She called her husband to ask him about the box and its strange contents. Embarrassed, he admitted having hidden the box for their entire 25 years of marriage. “But why?”, she asked.

He knew that he had to tell her. The husband replied that he didn’t wanted to hurt her feelings. Every time that she hurt or upset him he would put one egg in the carton and forgive her. She replied, “that’s amazing that there are only four eggs there. So what’s the cash from?” He replied, “every time that I filled the carton up with eggs I would sell it for a dollar!”


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  1. November 25th, 2009 at 21:54 | #1


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